Grace Love and I met over a decade ago, in the Seattle music scene. I walked into this building and heard the most full bodied, lovingly nuanced, magical powerful voice echoing through the crowd and immediately had to know who the owner was. That night I met Grace and have stayed connected at a distance ever since. Over the years, each of us have had major life changes, relationships, growing families, jobs and dramas – Life has been LIFING for us all right? Then quarantine happened – while we didn’t run into each other anymore, we each watched the others’ worlds via social media, wishing the other the best.
If you are from this area, you know that the music and social scene here is a small little world. When there is drama, we all hear about it. Then add social media – and let’s just say we both are very familiar with having to handle situations that are private and personal – out in public with a social media audience watching. We both had to learn the very hard lesson those years, that we ALL will inevitably be the “villain” in someone’s story at some point in our lives.
But I wonder – Are we all villains? Or, are we fallible human beings who at some point in our lives, will ALL make mistakes and cause some sort of harm, knowingly or not?
It was refreshing to be able to look at each other, acknowledge that we have both had an intense past decade. Neither of us had the need to indulge in the emotional labor exchange that comes with talking about toxic environments, breakups, divorce, he said/she said situational nuances etc. It’s all exhausting and not how either of us wished to spend our time, and for that – I was grateful.
Reading forward I want to give a disclaimer reminder for ALL of my work (both past and present): Are there two sides of all of the stories I share? YES. If you notice, I don’t share names. This is because I am not the judge or jury, and why are we ok being carceral towards each other in the first place?? I am here to provide a space for people to share their stories. Their truths. I am Switzerland, and if you come forward to contact me because you feel implicated in one of my stories – please know that I have no names, I have no idea who you are, until you implicate yourself. The reason we are here is to heal, not to gossip.
We were ALREADY about to embark on a really painful discussion about mental health and suicide. No need to add to that load. I was grateful we were able to do that for each other in those moments. Being able to acknowledge the time and growth that has come from everything we have both moved through, felt like growth.
When I reopened my books earlier this summer, I was surprised to see Grace’s name on my application list. Such a blast from the past, and someone I knew I would love to have in this project. But I also was sad; sad that she had a painful story to tell. One of the things that has always touched me about Grace, is that she, like many of the great singers, isn’t afraid to sing through her sadness. When I listen to her music I often feel like she is pulling from depths that not everyone is ready for. She isn’t afraid to be emotional. She understands its power.
Below are Grace Love’s final portraits as well as quotes from some of the moments during her portrait session that I felt others may resonate with. After that I will close with some thoughts and of course, share our closing photo together. Thank you in advance for holding space for her truth:
“The first time I tried to take my own life I was in college. It was an all white and rich school, I had gotten a part scholarship. I went with the hopes of learning something, but I spent most of my college years in the financial aid office. I dealt with lots of internal racism. At every turn, they made it clear I wasn’t welcome there.”
I was on college campus. I took a knife, but something told me to call campus security and tell them someone needed a wellness check. The girl that came was so sweet. She said “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.” Her name was Vicky. She made me feel like someone was hearing me. Like I wasn’t alone.
After that, the drinking started. When I was 20, my mom died. I had to be the mom and help my dad and brother. About 5 months later I got an opportunity to get out, and I took it. I had gotten into the Disney Education Program, they paid for everything. So I left for Orlando. And it was Florida, so my drinking increased. I had a long time friend who I went to visit up north, in NJ and NY. I bounced around from hostels and friends places, was assaulted which just increased the drinking and drugs. I was trying to continue my music, I even played the Apollo.
In 2012 I ended up in the UK, on the verge of releasing a record but was mislead and it never happened, and I ended up staying there for 3 months. When I got back to the states I had no friends or resources. Every day I wanted to die. I finally found a friend that helped, I got a job, but housing was horrible and always an issue.
I became connected to a group of musicians and we became a group that turned toxic quickly. After a festival we played, I was so upset by how the event had gone between us as a group. I felt so alone in a toxic situation. I crashed my car on the drive home, and I was so upset that I wasn’t hurt worse.
At one point I was experiencing homelessness, still showing up to every show, but internally things were still very toxic. Every band member had a home, but me. I had no support. I finally gave up and quit.
That same year I lost my dad. I knew he was sick but I had no idea just how bad. And just like that both of my parents were gone. I met my Ex and before I knew it, I was pregnant. Milo was born August 2019. He is my whole world. He has changed me.
I’ve had some dark times over the last few years. COVID has been hard. I still have suicidal ideation at times. Milo challenges me and keeps me creative. I want to go to law school, and get back to me.
I am currently doing food and music shows. At my events I cook the food, and I share music. It’s what I love to do for people.
Closing words from Grace post session:
The major emotion that I felt sharing my story was deep grief, and also deep relief. I have held on for so long, just going through the motions. I was told I had to and those times that I had this control of mental escape was freedom for me. As I navigate in this strange new body space I am rebuilding lots of things; I convinced myself I was being unlovable, too intense, not worthy if I didn’t share my talents.
I was mostly nervous [during my session] about my ugly cry, but the cries that came from the session were buried cries. I gained some clarity of how I love and how I show up for people.
I’ve only been met that way by my baby child. He grounds me and as I age I am seeing better through the actions of others. I still have a lot to work on, and that’s inspiring because I’m still here to work on them.
My father told me to keep doing what I’m doing, “It’s gone pay off” which I put in my song because I think it’s important to remember. Right now may be hard, but there is a future moment that will be accomplished by it.
Closing Photographers Notes:
Grace and I had some time to talk about motherhood, and the changes in your personality and body that happen when you become a parent. When becoming a young parent, it’s very easy to lose yourself while trying to guide our beautiful new little humans. Putting their wants, needs and loves – first and made priority. Mothers, and those of us with uterus’s, are raised and trained to believe that the best parent, is the selfless parent. Losing yourself can happen overnight, and can be really hard to find your way back. Waving at ourselves from across the football field. Come back! Not realizing how badly we need to come back to ourselves, in order to be our best for our children.
Thank you Grace for sharing your story, and for dipping deep into your vulnerable memories when you sing for us. She just released a new song, about grief entitled “Walk it Off” described as her “ode to grief”. There is a voice message from her late father on the song, and after hearing her story, his voice felt like such a special gift to share with us all. To see Grace perform, she will be sharing music and food at her brain child – the festival she has produced – The Jubilee Love Festival, August 23 & 24th at the Jefferson County Fairgrounds in Port Townsend, Washington. For more info visit jubileelovefestival.com .
To the reader, thank you for being here. For witnessing, and continuing to witness – the stories of now over 200 Faces in this project. I truly believe that the more discomfort and pain we are able to move through, with the support of one another – the more we organically grow our abilities for empathy. The world needs A LOT more of that lately, so once again, thank you for sitting, holding space and continuing to be present. I appreciate you all.
The Faces of Fortitude 