Harlan and I spoke about the similarities of our mother-wounds, very early on in our friendship. But I sensed tenderness and lots of buried feelings on both sides, so we never have really touched the surface of that conversation, until now. 

Harlan is another person from our inner circle that was part of the community aid for us this past winter. Like I said in the last post: This is Family. During this session, I thought a lot about the similarities between those of us who have experienced an absent parent. The things we search and yearn for as we grow and become adults, and the way that experience can mold how we take care of others.

Myself, Ever (who you met as last weeks Face) and now Harlan. This mother-wound. The physical and emotional abandonment that this wound causes. There were so many similarities, and similar heartache, but I was constantly struck at how from a young age they knew things about others and themselves that felt far older than their age. Having the understanding that their life wasn’t happy past the page of 7, that takes a really deep thinking child to go to those places so young. 

I found myself both sad for young Harlan but also amazed, as they began to understand and bravely realize their mothers love was indeed, transactional. Its a reality that when accepted, comes with a lot of grief, and has so many layers.

This session took me out of my body a little, I will admit. I had to pull myself back a few times. Our stories had many similarities. The martyr mother, the explosive tantrums and the first statement about her love being “transactional”. Hit me in the heart. I will let their quotes below speak on their own about their experience. 

At one point we went from talking about the stories of their childhood, to how they became part of this community aid support this past winter for us. It was fascinating because it allowed me to see this mother wound in a such a different light. Harlan is now this person who understands the power of community as family, and how we all can be helping each other a little bit more, if we could only learn to both properly give AND accept it. Making sure our community is part of our family, is vital moving forward in a world with so much turmoil.

This session showed me that while the mother wound is deep and so tender, it can also transform your meaning of family in a way that helps the people around you. I see these sweet hurting hearts, just wanting to gather with others, be loved, feel safe and find joy. The strength that it takes to work through and break past blocks that a mother-wound can cause, are quite extensive.

Below are quotes from Harlans’ portrait session, followed by words they wanted to share with you after their session:

There was a time I was carefree & happy but only until I was about 7years old. From a really young age I knew I was different from others, I just didn’t know why. I would try to create things in my life as reasons I could be different. Types of music, movies, clothes. 

“What’s the meaning of life, is it just to die?” I wrote in my second grade class. I was brought into a parent meeting and was asked if I was suicidal. I remember being so annoyed by that. I was just asking an honest question. 

I grew up with everything being a transaction. It’s how my mom sees the world. Vacillating between hero and victim. Everything was her martyring herself. I remember when I was young she would talk about having the choice to die in Denmark. She said a very matter of fact, that when she was old, she would do it. 

I would hear the bath running and worry. She would have these big tantrums, saying no one loved her. It would explode like a geyser. Then as soon as I started crying or if I was sick – she would change and be nice to me. When I got older and didn’t cry as much, I had to figure out something to get out of those situations.

When I came out her response was that it was “creepy”. And that she would never have grandkids. I was down, deflated and sad, and I didn’t have any space to feel it. I would go to school and just find dark spaces, and listen to Pink Floyd. At one point this emo kid that was a friend was like, you’re kinda ruining my vibe with your depression. 

No one knew what to do for me, just would distract me, tell me to stay busy and pick myself up. I learned when I was a kid that my emotions were too big. 

Its been 3 years since I’ve seen my parents, and have gone no contact. I thought about it a lot but was scared. “Family is everything” and “anything for family” was what was drilled into me. I talk a little to a few of my siblings, but there is a lot of fear there. 

Before going NC, I tried so many things. But boundaries were a dirty word to my mom. Because it’s always about placating her. She wears me down and weaponizes everything. 

I never felt a closeness from her. She would hug me with no feelings.

When I made the choice I realized, her behavior has never changed, but I’ve grown. 

As I started first taking space from her, I started getting heart wrenching and emotional rollercoaster messages from her. It was clear she was such a sad person.

I was able to put a lot more focus on myself and figure out who I am. How I move through the world, explore my transness. That was space I didn’t have before. I couldn’t have done that work before, because engaging with my mom made me feel bad about myself. 

When I found my therapist almost 5 years ago is when things shifted. They are also trans and we have the same dead name. We both came into that space with the same name. It’s kind of sweet how we’ve both grown. 

A few winters ago I felt a level of depressed I hadn’t felt since my teens. Active ideation, I didn’t want to exist. Like the worst weighted blanket but oddly comforting. Thats when I finally tried antidepressants. It’s been a whole journey, but over time it’s worked. Its given me space in my head that wasn’t there before. 

Not accepting help is anti-community. I’ve learned to ask for help as I build my community. The situation with you was the first time it stuck. When I heard you two were struggling so badly, after the initial shock, I was honored you were letting us help. 

It made me realize how we all can help each other and play a part in making things better. I was so glad I was able to help and also just glad that what I had to offer, did something that mattered and helped you. 

This community we have been building is special. Now when things get hard, I learn to move through things despite the shame that comes up around sharing and wanting to tell someone. I let myself do what I need regardless of how the shame feels. In spite of myself. 

From Harlan post-session:

I was 15 when I was on the phone with my boyfriend and he threatened to stab himself in the chest with a sword if I didn’t say I loved him back. By then I was already very comfortable with the idea that I was responsible for the emotions of everyone around me, and that mine were inherently too much. 

I’m in my thirties now and I finally let myself have emotions and I’ve built a community where they aren’t just allowed but encouraged. 

I’ve spent the last 3 years really building community around me. And I’m continually floored by the strength, care, and compassion that all my friends have for each other. And they’re my family now. And to know that I have family, that we all have this family to fall back on when we need support – it’s unreal to me. It’s unreal that we don’t just play the game of saying we’re here for each other, but we really are. 

I have people in my life that keep me going in so many ways – it’s a collective effort to feel less alone. It’s still new, and I still struggle to trust it – but I know that it’s okay for me to show up as I am and that I’ll be loved no matter what. And that’s fuckin’ beautiful. – Harlan

Photographers Notes:

As I close out this session, I want to touch on my photography process. I knew I was going to have a Leo in front of my camera. I love it when I can play with textures, and expressions. Harlan gave me a lot to play with. As I hone my skills, I am constantly tweaking lights and trying to update and improve my editing styles. Being self taught I am kind of learning through my mistakes, which I guess is how it should be. 

In the early years of this project, I played around with all white backgrounds as well, and then had to adjust when my studio space changed so often. Having all black background and my Face also in black, it lets me pull just from their emotions. It almost feels like it highlights them for me. The eyes, small tells in the persons gestures, coupled with their hands – all show me so much. 

Thank you Harlan for letting your emotions flow during this session, and allowing me to capture just a sliver of your amazing Leo energy, with my camera. Welcome to the Faces of Fortitude Family.