I first met Ariel at an event called Blooming with Grief, where she performed a pole dancing piece as a part of artists sharing their ways of expressing their personal grief stories. I knew Ariel had lost her husband, and she briefly visited the Faces of Fortitude pop-up during the event, but we didn’t speak in detail. Her performance was stunning and beautiful, I was so moved.

She applied for my project shortly after and my heart felt so sensitive when reading her name on my application list, of course not realizing when we met that her loss was from suicide. There is a collective feeling that happens when you know the pain of suicide, and you learn someone else knows it too. I can’t describe it, it’s like a sad sigh felt through your entire body. 

When Ariel was getting settled and I was checking her light, she said with confidence and a strong voice; “I want to start with how amazing Sean is and was.” I felt my heart immediately tug at my insides. She continued to draw an image of such a sweet love story. I watched her process in awe. 

As someone who has been known to easily trauma-bond and become incredibly too hyper-vigilant in my past mental health situations, Ariel was a great example of how we can process trauma without those things. The stories of struggle between her and Sean were so parallel between them. It felt like they each worked together to hold their own things the best they could, and be responsible for themselves. The idea that we can love, support, create resources and be present for our loved ones – and at the end of the day, that is all we can do. 

Below are the quotes I thought were the most poignant during Ariel’s session with me, along with my favorites of her final portraits. Then a few post session words from Ariel about how she prepared for her shoot and her advice for anyone thinking about applying – and I will wrap it all up with some final Photographers notes 🙂 

Also please note that I have included details about a Suicide First Aid training class Ariel is teaching, and how to sign up, as well as more details about the pole dancing classes Ariel teaches at the end of this piece.

Ariel’s Session Quotes:

I want to start with how amazing Sean is and was. He was amazing and loving to everyone around him. We would have never known he was struggling. I was 19 when we met in college and were together for 11 years. Sean was heavily involved in the skating community. Managed a local skate shop, and everyone loved him. He always made sure people felt cared for. 

Things started to emotionally pile up during quarantine. He was showing signs of struggle but it only makes sense after the fact. He had been on medication his entire life, since 13. He said toward the end of his life, “I don’t want to be a lab rat” and at one point stopped taking his meds. Our entire relationship I wanted to be the best supportive wife. I didn’t know what else to do for him. 

He started struggling with insomnia, losing weight. Then he started getting better, got a better job and gained weight back. Then the shutdown happened, and not being able to see people, family, to go out and skate etc, really affected him. COVID diluted a lot of the signs for me. Needing alone time when you are together 24/7 made sense at the time. 

When things started to open back up, he was going back to work, and things were starting to get back to normal, and then one day he just didn’t come home. His mom called and said they were on the way to the hospital with him. He was manic and called his sister. I met them at the hospital. Because of COVID, they weren’t allowing more than one person at a time in the hospital. 

Also during this time, we had several deaths in the family leading up to this. My 2 aunts and an uncle died, 2 from COVID and one from cancer. There was a lot of loss. 

I don’t pray, I am spiritual but not religious, but the night before this hospital visit, I had an overwhelming urge to pray. So I started praying. I had the overwhelming feeling to pray for ANYONE not wanting to be here, and for them to know that they are loved and wanted here. 

I told Sean and he asked why I thought to say it. Then later that day he was in the hospital. So when I saw him finally I told him, “That prayer was for you!”. 

The whole family showed up to the hospital. I didn’t know what to do, I couldn’t help him. We cried and held each other. 

He self admitted to Overlake. In my mind we were good. I visited every day, he was doing so well. After being there a week Sean called and said he was going to come home. Because he was self admitted he could leave. I was told by the doctors there would be preparation to get him home, but decided to leave against their advice and checked himself out. He walked right out and said he was ok, just wanted to go home. 

I got to work quickly when he got home, I didn’t want this to happen again. I set us both up with therapy sessions for the following Monday. That weekend I went to drop food to my sisters and he came with me. They all celebrated him being home, gave him cards and balloons. He was so loved. He was so calm and seemed fine.

The day of – my sister had come over to help me clean the house. She wanted to help me make the house the most comfortable and least stressful for Sean to be home. He went to go skate, my sister gave him some trail mix before leaving and gave us hugs. Looking back, they were extra long hugs.

He sent me a pic skating. He thanked me for “doing all this” with him. I told him I would always do it. It got later, he stopped responding. I started to get worried and went to look for him. I went to all the skateparks he went to. I went to his parents house, and they were having people over. His mom immediately jumped into the car with me to search. I started to call his friends. We were able to access his bank account and found a hotel charge. That’s where he was found. When the police told me, it was almost like it was in a different language. I didn’t get it. He left a note on the hotel bathroom door that said “Don’t come in, call the police.” To the end he was thinking about the ones he loved. The entire family showed up to the hotel. 

The shock from others wasn’t the hard part. The support, the hugs. It’s the follow-up questions. Asking about “red flags”, wondering what happened, that is the hardest part of this kind of loss. 

There were so many people rallying around me for the memorial. The skating community showed so much support. Videos and playlists were put together by people. Things fell into place so easily because of how loved and connected to his friends he was. This person I loved, loved and was loved by so many people.

Because of COVID we had a limited number of people for the ceremony and viewing. Just 20 people were allowed at a time and we also had a live stream. The funeral director said it was the most viewed live stream. The line for his viewing was around the corner and up the street and stayed that way ALL day long. We invited people to bring notes, trinkets and things to put in his casket, and so many did. 

Thankfully, I had scheduled those therapy sessions for us both that following Monday, so I immediately had support.

It’s been 4 years, and we have a memorial lake day that I throw each year. Since the day it happened, I’ve changed so much. In the way I talk to people, and express myself. The ways I’m now able to address others while grieving. It’s a physical goodbye to his physical self. I am reminded of him everywhere now. It’s changed me so much. 

Having to rebuild my life wasn’t expected. The feeling that I didn’t deserve to have to go through this. Living alone for the first time, dating again, this wasn’t the plan. The beautiful thing I have learned in this is: Letting go of the plan. It sounds scary to some people, but not me. The plan is, there is no plan for me now. 

I want to feel happy. It’s not about work plans and goals anymore, I just want to be happy. 

I want people to remember to just take their time. Don’t rush in your grief. It’s going to be there for the rest of your life. So don’t rush it. Anyone who’s gone through this kind of grief and trauma has a superpower, because we have seen that side of it. 

When people ask me how I’m doing or if I’m ok, my response is – of course I would do anything to have Sean back. But I am also so grateful for all of the LOVE I’ve experienced in his death. His friends, family are all because of him. The person I am now, in his death. The connections I’ve made after his death. Those connections have been so beautiful, and they are all because of Sean. 

The ability to be vulnerable with others is hard for people. It’s sad that we have to go through it, in order to get it. It took me a while to get back to dancing, to start to even move my body again, releasing so many emotions. I’m a different dancer now. I’m opening a new era of movement where I connect with myself now. I’ve been a pole dancing teacher since 2019. But my connections with people have changed so much since losing Sean. 

Ariel wanted to share a bit about how she prepared for her session:

Do whatever puts you in a comfortable space. For me it was waking up early and having a slow morning to myself. Then post session- giving myself a lot of attention was important to me. A nap was definitely needed.

I love to share mine and Sean’s stories. Recognize that you are sharing their story, but also yours! You are a vehicle of sharing your loved one’s legacy, but remember you have your own story to share as well.

M’s Photographers Notes:

I will be honest with you, the part of Ariels story where she spoke about the support and love her and her family received from the community after her husbands death, has become one of my favorite parts of everyones stories.

When we experience loss, our whole world stops, and it’s the helpers that we remember in those moments of fog, that can shift our loss narrative. Like Mr. Rogers said “Look for the helpers” when things get scary. When tragedy strikes there are people that come out of the woodwork that loved our person unconditionally like we did. And in that love is where we find the support we need to get through this unimaginable tragedy. Sure there are drama vultures and trauma tourists that flock to the scene, but you will know the helpers when you see them.

I’ve mentioned the power of our community when it comes to aid in my last few posts, because its never been more important to know who your community is and be part of building its strength, then right now in our troubled world. Who are part of your community when something devastating happens?

Just like Ariel mentioned at the end of her session – she has been transformed by the love and support she felt from their community after Sean died. This group of people that loved Sean so much, because of how much love they each felt from him during his lifetime, showed up for his wife and family in those terrible first few days, weeks and months following his death. That kind of pure love and care is what I feel like our world truly needs on an interpersonal level, now more than ever.

A quick tech moment: As I work more and more with my new strobe, I am so pleased with how my lighting has been improving and evolving. ALSO – this is not techy at all but something I just recently learned my lesson with: ALWAYS USE A LINT ROLLER! Don’t trust your naked eye to someone’s black shirt. I promise, there is lint you can’t see but the camera will pick it up. Being aware of that with Ariel’s wardrobe before shooting saved me so much time.

My goal is to print some new images for my gallery exhibits to 30×30, which will show every piece lint and hair out of place, and so with my editing I have to get the images as clean as possible before printing. The lint roller saved me SO much editing time!

As I close out I briefly wanted to touch on how this session, and the one on deck for next week, have affected me personally. Both shares are from widows of suicide loss. If you have ever struggled with a spouse or partner that has had suicidal ideation or struggled mentally, these stories will be tender for you, as they were for me. But they also opened some things within me that were deeply needing to be seen and felt.

Let yourself feel them. I know it’s scary. Close your eyes, and listen to your body. What do you need? As you feel, move. Stretch. Walk. Run. Skip. Dance. Do whatever you can to help shake those feels from where they are being held within your body.

I know our instinct is to look away from things that are painful, but what if that is where we find the keys to our growth? Inside all that? I am here to tell you thats where it is – and that you don’t have to move through it alone. We are all here with you. Thank you Ariel for sharing your story with us and the memory of Sean, so we can all know him. Your strength and power have truly inspired me. – M

Ariel is hosting a Suicide First Aid Training session through Living Works and The Ben Raemers Foundation on 10/27 at 5pm at the Skate Shop 35th north.

HERE is the link to sign up!

The Ben Raemers Foundation SafeTALK is a face to face, half-day training course that can help you know what to do if someone’s suicidal by following the easy to remember TALK steps – Tell, Ask, Listen and Keep-safe. These practical steps offer immediate help to someone having thoughts of suicide and helps you both move forward to connect with more specialized support.  Sign up to attend the next training session at 35th North on October 27th at 5pm.

Opportunities to learn/advocate for mental health and suicide prevention is so important to our local communities. This organization is skateboard centric, but is open to all. Completing this training does not mean you are an official resource to anyone experiencing a mental health crisis or SI, it means you will have the tools to speak to your loved ones, help get them to the resources needed, and advocate with more knowledge on the subject.

To learn more about Ariel’s pole dancing classes please visit https://www.morapoleandaerial.com/ located in Lynnwood, WA and ask for Ariel Motag. Her business IG: @hipsheelshair