Lena and I met via the Faces IG page first, she followed me and I would see her posts about dance, mental health and her life – not knowing then, her connection to suicide. The fact is, most people on social media follow me because within the stories told via this project, they find something or someone they connect to. I truly think if everyone read a story a day, at some point there will be a connection, we all have stories. These stories can cause discomfort, and sadness; two feelings people tend to steer away from. What if we stayed when those feelings started to come, and gave ourselves space with them? 

I truly believe that vulnerability is a trait we have been taught to fear. We have been raised to believe it is where our weakness lives. But I believe it’s the opposite. We as humans need connection, and when we connect with people at our pain points, there is a resilience that’s born. Sometimes people will reach out and let me know what they connect with, some share the work with family/friends, and sometimes, people will apply to be a Face in the project, like Lena. I know for a fact there are many of you, working up the courage to apply and share your story, and I want you to know I see you, and I’m proud of you. Whether it happens or not, your story matters and I am here to listen when you are ready. 

Like every story, Lena’s broke my heart in a place I didn’t realize I needed to be busted wide open. It’s unfortunately a story that if you are a veteran or connected to someone in the service, it will most likely resonate with you too. So many people give their lives for our country, only to be abandoned by their country after being used up, battered and struggling with their mental health. Veterans are 72% more likely to take their own lives. Per uso.org – the number of active duty personnel and veterans who have died by suicide is more than four times the number killed in combat over the past twenty years. We are majorly failing those that serve our country, and stories like these that need to be heard, so others know they are not alone, and that their lives matter.

Below are Lena’s quotes directly from her session – and then at the close of this piece, I will share a few Photographers notes about some technical and set choices I made. Then to close out Lena shares a few words about how she feels post session about her experience and she shared a few photos with us of Matt, so we can know him too.

Lena

It was a very messy kind of love. I met Matt at the fight gym. When we first met and would hang out, I always dropped him at the gym. I just figured he was couch surfing. 

He started coming over at night after being out at the bars. He would share stories from being in the service. I would call them horror story nights. He so badly needed somewhere to tell them.

At the time I heard his stories, I was fine with it. But now they make me sick. Because now he’s dead and it makes you realize this is happening to so many people on a global scale. You can’t depersonalize it anymore. 

I had a vivid dream one night and woke up with a realization. I had to either be close to him or distance myself, nothing in between. In the dream he had killed himself. 

I wish I’d had the resources I know now when getting close to him. A lot of people tell you to just leave situations like I was in, but they don’t realize that leaving also is painful and hurts. Leaving, abandonment has caused me so much resentment in my life. Nothing makes you feel more like a bug that just been pinned than someone leaving you. You are left with just feelings and pain, like you aren’t even a person anymore. It sucks to feel that when someone leaves or disappears. 

His death wasn’t a surprise, he had been doing a lot to try to get better. But his service dog died while he was trying to stay sober. I thought he was handling it almost too well, so I was already holding my breath. 

I stopped by his place and went looking for him because I hadn’t heard from him and was worried. He was at a bar drunk, and started to scream at me. I texted some of his army friends, saying he really needed support, and they said to just let him blow off steam. 

We all came together and tried to get him to go to treatment, told him we’d take care of everything. The inpatient was in TX, and then Hurricane Harvey hit so his stay was delayed. So many things kept happening that were out of his control, and with every delay he continued to get worse. 

He started doing things that sounded like a bucket list. I asked him “Are you going to treatment and going to kill yourself?” 

The last time I saw Matty I was supposed to take him to the VA hospital, he had been having stomach pain and worried it was stomach cancer. We woke up early for the appointment and he started to decline quickly. He started babbling and not making sense, I asked him to calm down, even contacted his family. I didn’t know what to do, and I couldn’t calm him down. 

His attempt was not completed and Matty was on life support for 3 days before he passed. 

I got a phone call and a note. He tried to make me feel so loved before he died. His note said I was the greatest thing to ever happen to him. So now when I am struggling with suicidal thoughts and feelings, I read his note and remind myself that I can’t take the greatest thing to someone, out of the world. 

He had two funerals. One was in Tacoma, all his military friends came. The news of his passing spread quickly and went public, and got messy quickly. There were so many people at that funeral and I struggled with all the crowds and strangers. It was too much for me. 

The second funeral was in his hometown. All people I had never met. People I should have been meeting with him. His mom took me to see his old school, it was all so surreal. Hearing his family members say “We’re so happy to meet you!”. 

I still feel very connected to him. Sometimes when I fuck up or make a silly mistake I can hear his laugh. 

I think we need to rephrase how we handle suicide and know that it isn’t necessarily preventable for everyone. People need to have all the care, support and resources they need and still even then! I know it’s not the most popular messaging but it’s real. 

I want people to know that talk therapy isn’t always a solution when you struggle with somatic issues. I had to find a therapist that was very trauma informed. Finally finding someone who saw the layers of trauma and saw Matty for being disabled. 

He would call me “sweet Lena” and I called him Matty.

M’s PHOTOGRAPHERS NOTES

Lena came in with a lot of nerves and quiet anxiety. I have learned thru this process that a lot of the time people need things to help them feel comfortable. A warm beverage, something to hold like a fidget. Telling stories of our past traumas can make your body tense and freeze up, and having things that help you feel secure and safe, can aid in getting the stories out of our bodies. 

A technical note: I did a few test shots to check her light because I wasn’t sure about her glasses, but they shockingly provided little glare. I find when I light the front of the frame and not push it back too far, it misses the glasses thankfully. That was something I had to learn through a lot of trial and error. I would rather risk a slight glare and keep it, for the sake of having my guest feel comfortable and wearing what they wish to in their shoots. Plus they really added so much to her photos. 

I have been asked a few times why I chose Black and White for the medium of these photos, it’s mainly because black and white takes away the details that people sometimes dislike about themselves when they get emotional. People handle their tears differently, and Lena was very introverted with them. They felt like hot coals that she didn’t want to touch for too long. But once she knew I could hold the coals for her as she felt them, things started to flow easier. 

There were many moments during her session that gave me pause, but Lena’s ability to hold space for Matt’s horror stories hasn’t left me since our session. When I asked her why she did that for him, even though most of what she was hearing was heart wrenching, she stated “Someone had to listen, he couldn’t hold those all himself.” My heart broke for her, now seeing how those stories affected her. 

When we were going over her quotes after her session, approving them for this piece, I read back to her the quote about the letter Matt left for her before he died. When I read her words “His note said I was the greatest thing to ever happen to him. So now when I am struggling with suicidal thoughts and feelings, I read his note and remind myself that I can’t take the greatest thing to someone, out of the world” back to her, she started to cry. Quite possibly the most vulnerable cry she had shown since arriving. She then said “I have never heard my words read back to me like that. It sounds so much more emotional hearing you say them.” 

Lena – I am so glad you have continued to fight to stay and that you shared yours and Matt’s story with this project. There are others who need to hear this for their own sake or the sake of someone they love. Lena’s bravery and strength will hopefully inspire others to find their own. 

Lena’s thoughts – POST SESSION:

The morning before my session, the mean voice in my head wasn’t very loud thankfully, but still asking  “do you really think sharing your story is helpful to anyone but yourself?” During the session M spoke about throwing themselves into the superhero role after their loss, the intense drive and devotion of performing every action you possibly can to give those you love the lives they want in the wake of such a painful form of life-lost. M also talked about how that intense role was a season too, not something that could be sustained forever, and also a season that resulted in some loss-of-self. That’s when I told the voice “if this only helps me, so what?” Holding space for people is magical and healing. No matter how much time has passed. 

Everything felt so safe, and the real kind of safe, not the false safe that puts you on edge: the shell thoughtfully put into my hand to keep my fingers busy while I talked, the pigeons and seagulls and even a hummingbird at the window, hearing and talking about a topic that most people recoil from. I even had some tears escape and didn’t feel any sense of panic like I normally do when I’m not crying alone. After saying our goodbyes, the weather quickly changed from sleet to snow to sunshine  and I laughed a bit thinking what a mirror it was for all my shifting feelings. I kissed the plant that M sent me home with to name after myself and care for, crawled into bed with some Taco Bell, and just let myself rest and be grateful.