Christina’s session was very tender for me. I curate this project very specifically, as an art project of course but also I have to curate around my own mental health around the different types of loss and trauma. Christina lost her younger brother Tim to suicide. I always try to be very sensitive with myself around sibling loss stories. Building extra time and space for grounding and feelings. It wasn’t until she started to share her story that I realized how similar our experiences were.

There is something very disarming when you meet someone that has experienced the same pain points as you. Those old wounded parts of me are always so grateful to meet others at their similar bruises. It reminds you that you’re not alone; it heals something. 

From her brother visiting her in the form of a loud, obnoxious bird, to the way she saw her responsibility to him even in his death, as his big sister and protector. We kept getting confirmations that our meeting and story sharing was supposed to happen. Birds came to both window sills during her shoot. Two energies truly wanted this connection to happen. 

Below are quotes pulled from Christina’s portrait session, along with her final portraits. Then following those are a few photographers notes as well as some words from Christina a few days after her session. 

CHRISTINA

Tim was the most sarcastic smart ass, funny kid. He died at 31, just before turning 32. It’s been 8 years since he died. After 7 I started feeling much more peace about it. I remember the good times and think less about the what if’s.

When we were kids we were not super close. Tim and our younger brother were closer in age, and I was 5 years apart from them. I ended up being more like a second mom to them growing up. When we got older we got closer. Especially when I had my oldest daughter. He was the fun but not always dependable uncle. He loved his family and friends and was also super loyal to them.

He was diagnosed Bi-polar but didn’t want to accept it or medicate himself. The last years of his life he struggled with addiction. I started to see him physically deteriorate, he didn’t look well. 

We got really close when I was in the middle of my divorce. He helped me through it. I wouldn’t have survived it without him. 

A week before his birthday I pulled him aside, telling him that I could tell he was not well, and asked him what was going on. He gave me all the excuses. Things got really complicated and awful, quickly. He went to rehab and did really well. I visited him every weekend, took the ferry and never missed it. 

He started working on his demons and himself. We got closer than we ever had been and he shared so much about his struggles. More than I had realized. It was really good for him to get that all out. But I think it was also a lot to process with him being bi-polar. 

He got out of rehab and told me he wanted to become a drug and alcohol counselor. He was doing ok for 6 months or so and then started showing signs of struggle. He fell into a deep depression and was having trouble in his marriage. I watched his world start to crumble. 

The weekend before it was beautiful out, he had gotten a new car, and he was so excited. The car breaks down, and he loses his shit. I could sense a shift in him. Something was different. But it didn’t really cross my mind that he’d harm himself. 

I got a call from my moms saying she hadn’t been able to get ahold of him, and I was kind of dismissive about it. I told her he probably just needed some space. She said “I can feel something is not right.” but I just let it go. I texted him as the day went on, he didn’t reply but I knew he would reach out when he was ready to talk. He always did. My mom called later in the day and said they still couldn’t find Tim. I started to feel the dread coming, but more anger. Like just call mom back already! I remember Wheel of Fortune was on and I sat there in anger.

My parents and brother were all out looking for him and the overall panic started to take over. They traced his phone. He had driven out of a trail-head and they found him in his car. I got a call from my dad, he sounded broken. I knew when I heard his voice what happened. He said we found him and he’s gone. I said NO HE ISN’T and he said, yes he is. I told him he was wrong, threw the phone to my husband and I threw up. 

I came back and grabbed the phone back and said “We can’t bury him. He’s claustrophobic!” still in big sister mode. Then I let out the most primal scream. My husband held me. I was catatonic for a while. 

We had a small service with all his family and friends. I was in the head space of just needing to get things done. I was his big sister. The toll that my brothers suicide has had on me physically…I had no idea grief could do that to our bodies. 

I have said since Tim died that I want to write a book about sibling loss. There was such a lack of resources regarding what I was going through as a sibling. Such a loss of the person who was supposed to be there at every stage of our lives! 

I want people to know that they never really leave us. I feel my brother in everything I do. I want people to allow themselves to feel that. Their energy is all around. His death gave me a greater purpose. To share not only his story, but also I want people to know that mental health is like any other disease. It isn’t something to be ashamed of. There is such a stigma around suicide. That is something I want to change. 

M’s Photographers Notes

I really had to give myself some space before and after this shoot. So much so that I had to do a lot of lighting adjustments as we started the session, as I didn’t have as much time for that during set up as I would have liked. But my mental grounding needed to be a priority. Navigating a big C-stand among the plant babies here in the Belltown forest is interesting too. Ironically, M the Monstera lives right where I need my light to stand, so she is kind of my light guy now that I think of it! M was holding down the strobe as I did some trial and error to get it where I wanted it. 

That gave Christina and I some time to chat. Figure out what she needed to feel safe and heard, and of course make sure I remembered to use the lint roller. When it came time to edit, I was so thankful for remembering. 

This session reinforced the importance I am now placing on my mental self care while building this project. This was the first brother sibling loss I had photographed in quite a while. I am a very different person now in terms of my grief. It felt really good to process it fully, stay with myself and give myself everything needed to be present for us both. Thank you Christina for sharing your story with me and the rest of the Faces community. 

From Christina – Post Session:

This experience was really validating for me. I felt safe and heard in my session, allowing me to talk openly about Tim and about losing him to suicide. I was not sure how I was going to feel mentally on the morning of, it turned out that I was in a good head space and ready to share this story. Tim’s death left me with a deeper purpose and my sole reason for participating was to reach someone out there who may need to hear this story. To his core, Tim wanted to help people, so this is my way of carrying the torch. Awareness, destigmatization, hope, these are the things that matter to both of us now. 

After my session, I was exhausted. It takes a lot mentally and emotionally to relive these moments, to feel them intensely again. It was important to practice self care that afternoon, rest, doing something that brings joy. Grief after suicide loss is different. Like all grief, it isn’t linear, there is no time table, but it requires a huge amount of extra grace for survivors. Overall, I am happy that I participated, I’m grateful to have met M and I am honored that I could hold space for their brother as well. This project is love, it is light in a darkness that can’t be articulated.