Bloom Note: At the end of this piece there is a photo of Jaylin’s body shrouded and adorned with flowers.

The first time I met Wanis and his family I saw his eyes before I saw anything else. There was something familiar I saw in them as he walked up to the table at the 2024 ASFP annual Out of the Darkness walk. It was a type of sadness, a specific despair; Stoic, staggering and silent. One that I remember seeing in my dad’s eyes after my brother died by suicide. I knew even before speaking to him that he had lost a child.

The words we spoke were few, though he and his family spent several minutes looking at the portraits and reading the quotes. Wanis applied to be a Face in this project the very next day. I was happy to see his name and surprised to see how recent his loss had been. Wanis’s oldest song Jaylin had taken his own life just two years ago. 

If you follow my work you know that I consider anything 5 years or less, a very fresh loss. Those sessions tend to take a little more time, and feel more tender in my preparation. I like to get extra consent around words and story details before asking questions, ensure they have hydration, as well as make sure the person being photographed feels emotionally supported, inviting them to bring any family or friends that may feel helpful. I was so happy to hear that Wanis was bringing his family, the same ones I met at the event.

Our society has placed such judgement and shame on men and their feelings. I have lots of men talk to me in emails, DMs and in person about the importance of this project, but that’s usually where they stay. The percentage of men that apply is much lower than other genders, so I praised Wanis for being there and for sharing his story. My hopes through this piece, that other men will see his story and find a connection there, and be reminded they are not alone – and even more that their feelings are valid and deserve to be felt in spaces outside of their bodies. 

The day of Wanis’s shoot started like any other, taking a bit of extra time for preparation. Wanis and his family arrived and we got settled and ready to start his session. Then within a split second my light fell and stopped working, I was devastated. In almost 8 years of this project that had never happened to me. I thought I had crushed the bulb. Thankfully Wanis and I ran down the street to Glazers camera and they were able to fix my light, it wasn’t broken! During the drive back I told Wanis “I’m so sorry this is so out of the ordinary!” and he said “Well our story is special so that makes sense it would be an out of the ordinary experience.”

After a late start, with his family cozy on the couch and youngest son playing on the floor between the camera and his dad, we got started. Very early on I realized that I understood Wanis’s grief from two different perspectives. As someone who has experienced a suicide loss, as well as someone that was also a parent at 21. We were both very hands on parents, and that connection to your child when you raise them so young is special, and can feel almost guttural at times. I had to let myself go to those places in my gut to connect with him. How grateful I was that he was able to sit in those places, we don’t get to share space with people in those moments often! It’s in THOSE points of connection that we are able to feel new depths of grief with each other.

The following are quotes from Wanis from our session as well as his portraits. Then they are followed by a few Photographers notes about my lighting debacle, and then closing it with some very tender words and photos of Jaylin from Wanis post session.

WANIS

At his memorial, I was able to see just how much his friends loved him.

I was a young parent, and had him at 21. In many ways I grew up with him. I wanted to be a hands on dad, and I got to be. I took him everywhere with me. His mom and I got separated and she moved over to Spokane and that’s where we started having more issues. I missed him, the way Jaylin would call me dad, was so unique. 

He had ADHD and I look back and I realize I didn’t know a lot about it. When I think about the extreme feelings he would feel, I wish I would have been a better support. 

I texted him a lot, I was willing to do anything I could to just bring this kid closer to me. One day I left him a voicemail apologizing for not being a better dad. He called back! He sounded good, was excited about his job and we said we should get together. I was worried about his mental health. He would put so much stress on himself, Hyper-focusing on things! He used to say to me – Dad, I feel like there’s something wrong with me. 

The day before Jaylin reached out to me. He said he was coming over. I was ecstatic. Said he was going to bring breakfast and that we were going to hang out. He brought me tea. 

I wanted to have a big open conversation with him, so I apologized to him very specifically. I feared he was carrying guilt. I really felt like we cleared the air. He had some amazing clarity that day. Things felt like they were clicking. 

He said dad you’re the strongest person I know. You lost your mom and then the very next day you were at home taking care of us. I didn’t realize how much you did. I didn’t realize how much you were going through.

We went for a walk in the park. I found out he had left the job he loved and was looking for another. He had an interview. Said he had a hotel room even for the interview that the company had paid for. When he was leaving he opened his trunk and I saw he had all of his clothes and things in the back of his truck. Looking back I think he was trying to stay with me. 

Heather, Navon, Jaylin and I met for lunch. Jaylin was talking about the kind of land he wanted to find and live on. He asked questions and seemed to have the feeling like it was never going to happen for him. I had both of my boys together, I was so happy. After lunch we were leaving, we have a handshake –  we always say ‘I love you’ and then our handshake before saying goodbye.

At one point I have my back to them, I hear what sounds like complete laughter. I turned around and Jaylin was crying. I thought it was laughter. He was embracing Navon and said something like “I just want my family back.” I assured him we were all there, and thought this was a breakthrough, like the start of something bigger for him. (*Wanis was taking photos after lunch as they were all saying goodbye and he actually captured this moment, and shared the image below).

Back home that night I was starting to cook dinner. Two police officers drove into my driveway. I immediately thought, what am I going to get harassed about. They asked who Jaylin was to me. I asked what was wrong. They gave me a card and said I had to call the investigator and indicated that Jaylin was no longer alive. 

I had been on a high all day thinking he was on an upturn. I dropped to my knees and felt my breath go away. It was such a low crash from such a high. I knew I had to get control, because I had to tell his brother. 

His memorial turned out to be such a gift. There were all these stories I got to hear, that I had never heard about Jaylin. All these friends of his came out and shared their stories. I enjoyed hearing how everyone gained strength from him and how supportive he was. I learned that Jaylin loved a sunrise like I did. 

After his death the gym was like my safe place. I told myself I would not bury my emotions. I was determined to feel them. I wanted freedom. I had a friend at the gym notice I wasn’t myself and asked me if I was ok. I told him I had lost my son. He was such a gift. He told me he didn’t know what to do or say but asked if he could give me a hug. He would check in on me. Such a gift. 

My advice to others in my situation is don’t hold or bury your grief. Talk about it. You have to get thru it or it will become a weakness instead of a strength. You can’t worry about others feelings. You don’t want anything controlling you. 

I want to start a fund so no one has to pay for their own child’s funeral. Second to the police coming to give me the news, having to pay for your own child’s funeral is such a horrible thing. – Wanis

M’s Photographers Notes

I wish I could say I pride myself on being able to handle bumps in the road with ease. When they are other peoples bumps, I consider myself a pro at assisting – however when the bumps are my own, I am not as good at recovering as quickly. After the light debacle it took me a bit more time than usual to get my light back to where I wanted it. The crash had crushed one side of my softbox – and while it worked, it was a bit wonky. 

The thing I kept realizing was that nothing that happened stopped me from taking portraits that day. The light didn’t end up being broken, even though we drove to the camera store, where I bought a proper sandbag to ensure it didn’t happen again, something I had been putting off for months. The softbox had a bent side, but it was still usable. Did it fluster me and send me in a bit of a tizzy? Absolutely. But I powered through it, and it reminded me of how much more important the space is, than the actual photos. Something I have always said but in those moments I had to really resign to those facts. 

I think I struggle sometimes between wanting to hold the healthiest space for people and taking the best photos possible to properly cherish peoples stories. I don’t realize how delicate that balance is, until I am not balancing it 🙂 

Thank you to Wanis and his family for their patience in how the session went that day. Thank you for sharing the memory of Jaydin with me, and for including your family. It was so tender watching this family support each other in a way that felt helpful and tender. The grieving dynamics are different with every family and it’s always an honor being given the trust to witness it. 

Post session words from Wanis and photos of Jaylin

I am grateful for every opportunity to talk about my son Jaylin.   Thank you for creating such a comfortable space for us to talk about the loved ones we have lost to suicide.  

I have been very intentional about being courageous to explore my emotions, feeling the feelings and not burying or covering anything up. I have cried all over the place and in front of so many random people.  Although I do spend some time thinking about why, how I missed the signs, and what I could have done differently, I like to focus on my gratitude for the time and experiences we shared.  At the end of the day I love that Kid so much, and I will trust in the fact that he completed his soul’s mission which I will never understand.  When I talk about him I get to live in the Love which is such a great feeling and usually brings a smile to my face.  So, Thank you for the gift of getting to feel Jaylin’s love again.   

I’m sharing the last photo of Jaylin as I described.  He said he just “wanted his family back”, I let me know he never lost us, he just distanced himself.  I wish I asked him what he meant. I thought I was just seeing the past pain and frustration leaving.   Hour’s later he ended his life at sunrise on 2/27/23.