In the last 8 years of this project, I’ve sat with and photographed many families touched by the same loss. Mothers, fathers, daughters, cousins, siblings, niblings, etc. I’ve learned that suicide loss can affect each person in the family so differently. Seeing the way each person uniquely grieves, and observing them do so together, yet separately – has taught me multitudes about the human experience. We learn a lot about our loved ones when we see them (and ourselves) experiences raw grief for the first time. I am always so grateful when multiple family members trust me with their stories, as I know familial grief can be complicated.

Today I introduce you to Kim, a mother who lost her son Luke to suicide when he was 19 years old. This story may sound familiar, because a few months ago you met Sydney, Luke’s older sister. This family’s experiences were my stark reminder that we all connect at our mutual pain points. Like magnets. While the places I connect to peoples stories may differ there almost always is a similar thread to someone’s story and my own. I’m realizing the more I open up and vulnerably share, the more magnet connections I find with others. It’s true of ALL of us, if we open up and get our stories out of our bodies. 

Luke and my brother were both the babies of 3 siblings. They both went to IV league schools and were seen as the phenom of their family; the bright star and most intelligent. Both struggled with mental health while at school and the long trail of heartache towards trying to get help and diagnosis. I also knew I would connect with Kim as a mother. I know what part of yourself feels pain when our child is hurting; the part of our spirits as parents that are connected to them forever. One more thing I had to remember going into this session was that Luke’s death was not very long ago, just 3 years ago this November, so emotions would be closer to the surface. With all of these things in mind I prepared myself for the session.

That was the first thing I felt from Kim, I saw her eyes carried a lot of the early heavy guilt and pain. The kind of guilt we terrorize ourselves with right after someone dies by suicide. She wore a layer of momma bear strength, holding up what felt like a mixture of nerves and a heaviness she was hesitant to set down. 

As we started, I found myself listening with the informed ears of knowing Syd, her daughter’s experience. Hearing other sides of the same story based on each person’s lived experience says so much to me. I often will ask people what their reactions were when they saw certain people close to them around the event. I found those to be my most notable moments with family members looking back and often where you learn something important about that person.

I will let Kim share her story with you. The following are quotes directly from Kim during our session accompanied by her final portraits taken while we spoke. I will add some closing photographers notes after her words. 

Luke was perfect. Being his mom was so easy. In kindergarten he was identified as gifted, his IQ was very high. Since losing him, it’s amazing seeing how many best friends Luke had. 

We first start noticing something was up at the start of COVID. He thought he had ADHD. Then he got into Harvard and we were so proud. He wasn’t a big prep school kid, it was big for us. So before school we did a whole run of tests to figure out what was going on and nothing came up. Luke was so disappointed. He really thought he had ADHD. 

He went to school and he continued to suffer. But I didn’t see what he said he was feeling. He was sleeping ok and his grades were great!

“Therapy was always important to Luke, he started going in middle school. I think about all of the medical professionals that saw him and missed it all, even me. There is so much guilt.”

His first summer away he was really struggling. We were really close during that time. He called me once accusing me of giving him ADHD meds by telling him they were his allergy meds. I told him I would never do that. 

At one point he called saying he got a big job offer, and that they were going to pay for him to move. It sounded odd but I know those things happen in that world, so I thought I’d see the details later. Then he called from the airport, saying he wasn’t able to get on the plane. The story started changing and it started getting weird. 

We coordinated getting help for him at the airport. The police wouldn’t help. We talked Luke into getting into the ambulance. I left the next day from TX and got to him in the hospital the next day. 

He looked so skinny, he had lost a lot of weight. He was curled up in a ball. When he saw me he started crying so hard.

Harvard stepped in and he got admitted to McClean (Harvard medical schools psychiatric teaching hospital). Because he was legally an adult, no one would talk to me. A doctor finally came out and told me based on that reaction he was being diagnosed with Bipolar 1. 

“Luke always knew there was something wrong, he always told us but no one listened.”

The hospital was a very humbling experience for him. He was there less than a week, and got out early for “good behavior”. I was so proud of him, again he was the top performer, always showing star behavior. Looking back, he should have been there longer. 

He came home, and we had to move Syd to Seattle. We took a family road trip. Then he went back to school. He continued to struggle, but I still didn’t think he should come home. 

He called one day from the psychiatrists office at Harvard. He said he wanted to take a year of leave. I said I didn’t think it was a good idea for him. He liked and needed routine. I stood up to his school advisor and said no. I was so frustrated with the suggestion. 

He came home and within a day wanted to go back to school. He was struggling, but still got up every day. He was the neatest kid. I knew he was struggling but also he seemed to have it together. 

Nov 14th was the worst day of my life. I swear I had a bad feeling about the day. We got up and Luke helped me make coffee.

“I drove him to work. He said ‘Hey mom, I love you.’ like he always did. For the life of me, I can’t remember if I said it back.” 

He texted me he loved me later in the morning while I was working. I hearted it. I had a conversation with my friend, who had lost her son to suicide a year before. I left work and headed home early. I got a call that Luke didn’t show up for an appointment. I got off the elevator to the apartment and felt a strange feeling. 

His bedroom door was cracked but I couldn’t open it. His dog was on his bed and Luke was behind the door. I was the one to find him. I’m not normally home at that time, and Luke knew that. I don’t think I would have survived if I hadn’t been the one to find him. I did CPR and everything. I couldn’t have trusted someone to have done everything to revive him.

One of the most helpful things for me is learning to embrace what it is. People reach out to me but are scared to talk about suicide. We have to be brave and share our stories. It’s been so important. Also, therapy has been instrumental. 

People that just are there for you, and can just BE there, are so important. I had so many people come forward for me that I didn’t expect. Just BE for people. 

Photographers Notes:

I have been taking a bit of a break around these sessions while tending to the gallery events and life things and I have noticed something in its absence. My natural flow of moving in and out of creativity with this project isn’t predictable or consistent and thats how I am able to sustain it.

Next week marks 8 years of this project, and one thing I have learned is that listening to myself around how often I work on this project, is essential. In the early years I just so badly wanted to hold space for people, packing them into my schedule without any consideration for the time I would need both before and after each session. Not only the day of, but days, weeks and time in between. I’ve become so much more aware of the tenderness needed to coexist both with others grief, as well as my own. 

I am still blooming and growing around this installation, not feeling like I can see an end date anytime soon. I’ve been busy manifesting and making plans in hopes to have more exhibits and spaces to grieve. With everything happening in the world currently, I can’t help but feel an urgency to make sure there is a grief resource for my community. Thank you to everyone who keeps reading the stories, supporting the events and spreading the word to people who may need the space, it aids in spreading the word to folx that may be struggling, that they are not alone.

Thank you Kim for trusting me with not only Luke’s story, but also with your family. I am so grateful to have you as a Face in this project.

Post session from Kim:

I left our session with so many emotions consuming my thoughts. It was hard. Really hard. But, the session also brought out emotions, not only sad, but emotions of feeling empowered to continue advocating for the beautiful souls, beautiful souls like Luke, my beautiful boy.

Luke made a big impact on this world. Those who knew Luke, and even those that did not, feel his love and impact. I’m so proud of Luke for this. I’m also so incredibly proud of the impact his continues to have on the world. He continues to be there for others, allowing us to use his powerful words through his meticulously written journals, to continue to advocate for others, and most importantly, continue to love each other and see the beauty in all of us.

Luke wasn’t afraid to talk about mental health and advocacy! We channel Luke… we aren’t afraid! We will forever continue to advocate, be there for anyone in need, love the pure beauty every human being has to offer, no matter how “different.”

Luke was so accomplished; his intelligence was admirable. Harvard was lucky to have him!

Luke was a learner; school was a hobby.

Luke was a giver; he spent considerable effort and pride caring for others.

Luke was kind; his heart was bigger than most.

Luke was emotional; he cared so much for the world and those in it.

Luke loved deeply; all could feel his love for his friends, family, and the world.

Luke advocated for mental health; his advocacy impacted and continues to impact many.

Luke had a mental illness; his mental illness did not define him.

Luke was every second perfect.

Luke remains every second perfect.

We hope to help others, bring more awareness to mental illness, and eliminate the stigma of mental illness. We are forever proud of Luke. We will continue to advocate for causes that meant so much to him. Check on those in your life. Spread kindness – LOVE LIKE LUKE!